Today I finally got my TV set up and was able to watch the US women's soccer team play in the Olympic quarterfinals. It came down to a shootout, and my nerves were on edge the whole time. I did that thing where I silently prayed in my head for Team USA to win - because, you know, for some reason we think God doesn't care about the rest of the world's athletes.
I begged God for a US victory, and I found these words forming in my head. "I just need something to believe in."
I need something to believe in because it seems like everything in my life is falling apart. I had no idea how difficult adjusting to American culture was going to be. Although I wish the transition were over, the reality is it seems like it's just beginning. And in any time of chaos, we need something to believe in. Something stronger than us, more stable than us, more powerful than us. (Take a look at political campaigns and the way they pounce on fear and unrest as opportunities to point to politicians as the ones to believe in.)
When I told the Lord this, a quiet but sure answer came.
"Believe in Me."
The US team lost.
One more thing in life to fall short. Real life falls short of my expectations, and perhaps most difficult to accept is the way my own ability to cope falls short. Living in America continues to be unbelievably disorienting and absolutely exhausting.
I am painfully aware of my need for something stronger than me.
Sometimes I get distracted and think the thing to believe in is the US women's soccer team. (After all, it is the greatest sport there is.) But just like all other people and things and organizations and entities and even churches, they will fall short.
The Lord will not. And not only will He never fall short, He is willing to sit right next to me in my pain and tears, laying down His strength and showing me what gentleness truly is.
My name in Khmer means "gentleness," but somehow I think I have a lot to learn about strength and what gentleness is.
Lord, show me how to believe in You.