It feels like a two ton, invisible weight surrounding you. Carbon monoxide sucking the oxygen right out of your blood as you sit in that chair at the computer, the smell of sickly sweet hand sanitizer oozing from your pores. Occasionally, you pass a window, and a fresh wave of sadness descends when you remember what exists outside this place. You feel trapped like in a prison, and your heart can't seem to soar like it has some days, in the past, in this same prison.
it can't soar because of the overwhelming emotions and difficulties coping and the innumerable choices - not just about healthcare but about how I fit into this culture of America, the hospital, and my floor.
Depressed on the floor feels worse than being depressed and lying on the literal floor. Because when I'm lying on the floor, I don't have to put up a front. No masks, no facades, no lies. No smiling when I want to be crying. No caring for patients when at home it's all I can do to take care of myself.
it looks like forced interactions and energy-sapping conversations that leave coworkers and patients smiling and you feeling like you're dying.
it feels like working from a deficit. It can look from the outside like a normal or even great day for you, or it can look like you're tired or burnt out as a nurse, but rarely does it look as bad on the outside as it feels on the inside.
it looks like letting the lowercase letters go because who has the energy left for that?
why do I write about depression and nursing on my reentry page? Because unfortunately (for me) it's part of the reality of reentry. It's the part of the story where I have to pay my bills, and after several months of enjoying a dream job, I return to employment I never really had a passion for. One day, I hope, I will find a way to make a living which spurs me on to love life more. Something playing to my strengths, something which feeds my soul and leaves me feeling fulfilled.
for now, though, I'll show up and do my best, and I'll be grateful for the way Gods providing for my financial needs while pushing me to know my deep, undeniable need for Him and his grace each day. One step after another. Learning authenticity in a difficult season and doing the best I can. And practicing knowing it's enough.