A couple years ago, I decided to try a dating app. I have hilarious stories and sad memories from various dates, but overall, it was an invaluable learning experience for me. Here are 5 things I learned from online dating:
1. Apparently, I’m still a lot more judgmental than I thought I was.
Though meeting people through online or mobile apps is becoming more and more common, I still felt uncomfortable with getting on a dating app. I wanted to meet someone the old-fashioned way—at church or work or somewhere in the community in “real life.” I thought turning to online resources was a cop-out, that it was “cheating.” Putting my information into a database, letting an algorithm work, and searching through profiles to find a good fit just didn’t seem right (or romantic).
I thought utilizing a dating app was the opposite of trusting God to bring the right person to me. I believed He could and would bring the right person to me in the traditional way. It was only after two women I greatly respected found their now-husbands on a dating app that I questioned my beliefs…and found them to be more grounded in stigma and bias than in logic or spiritual conviction.
I learned I was prideful and biased—and well, that certainly wasn’t a good reason to stay off a dating site. So I downloaded a dating app because…
2. With an attitude of learning, I really have nothing to lose.
To be honest, I didn’t create a dating profile thinking it would lead to a long-term relationship. I created it because I realized I had a plethora of insecurities about going on dates.
I was afraid I wouldn’t know what to say or I’d be awkward. I was afraid because I didn’t have a lick of fashion sense or know anything about makeup. I was afraid because talking to single men intimidated me and I was sure they could read the discomfort on my face. I was afraid because I’d only been on a couple dates in my whole life, and I was 25 years old. There were just too many unknowns.
The beautiful thing about online dating was that I could approach it with an attitude of learning rather than an attitude of impressing. I didn’t know these men, and they didn’t know me—and if it didn’t work out, who cared? I could simply focus on learning about myself and getting out of my comfort zone during the date.
So I did. With nothing to lose, I went on dates, and I practiced. I practiced talking to single men and putting on makeup, and I practiced shopping for cute clothes. Soon I realized my insecurities were fading and my confidence was rising, not only on dates but in all arenas of life.
3. Life truly is richer when I lay aside my judgments—of myself and of others.
Since I was going into the online dating world for the purpose of learning, my threshold for a first date was pretty low. Usually we would text for a week or two before the guy asked if I wanted to get coffee, and unless any red flags came up, I agreed.
I went on dates both when I thought we would really hit it off in person and when I thought it would be a “one and done” situation. But everyone, I thought, deserved a first date.
Wow, am I thankful I had this attitude! I met people I never would have met otherwise. I learned things about myself, others, and a variety of topics ranging from the practices of Messianic Jews to what it takes to get a degree in meteorology. These encounters made life richer, without a doubt. They also led me to number four on this list.
4. Honest conversations are worth it, even when they’re hard.
While first dates are fun, they’re also stressful—it takes a lot of energy for an introvert to keep up conversation with a stranger! But what was harder for me to navigate were the conversations when I knew I didn’t want to continue going on dates with someone.
In the digital age, “ghosting” (when you just never reply and disappear on someone) has become quite common, especially in the online dating world. When I began online dating, I decided to do my best not to ghost people or lead them on after an initial date if I wasn’t interested. I definitely appreciated when guys let me know they weren’t interested—it eliminated the guesswork and emotional roller coasters—and I wanted to show the same courtesy to others.
As someone who tends to avoid conflict at all cost, this was an extra step outside my comfort zone. But just like most uncomfortable things in life, the more I did it, the easier it became. I found, surprisingly, that my willingness to have hard conversations in the dating realm gave me confidence to do the same in other parts of life as well. The clarity and resolution it brought was well worth any pushback or discomfort involved.
5. Sometimes I put God in a box, even without realizing it, and it never works.
I thought I was going on dates just for practice. I didn’t think a long-term relationship would come out of it because I thought God wasn’t going to work that way in my life. Not that He couldn’t but that He wouldn’t. I thought God was too creative to resort to using an algorithm and an app.
Instead, I found God was so creative He would use an algorithm and an app—in ways I never could have imagined. Through an app, He introduced me to the man whom I’ve now been dating for two years. That’s a story for a post of its own, but one thing is clear to me: in countless areas of life, I subconsciously limit the ways I think God will work. I put imaginary boundaries on His creativity—and on His kindness and mercy.
I tell myself God would never do this or use that, and perhaps more dangerously that He wouldn’t forgive this or redeem that.
Yet God—well, He blows past all these imaginary boundaries I place on Him. If I am projecting limits on things as practical as God providing a significant other and as fundamental as God redeeming my worst mistakes, what other areas of life am I trying to keep the God of the universe in a box?
Oh Lord, help me see those areas.
Thank God that He knows no bounds.