Freedom

As I write this, I'm sitting in the ER staff room at Kratie Referral Hospital. We are officially in the rainy season now, which means fewer patients make the trek through rain and mud to come to the hospital. Here in Cambodia, if it's raining people don't usually venture out (even teachers often cancel class because of rain). Additionally, it's the afternoon here, and in the ER afternoons are generally slower than mornings, with only 1-2 patients (usually trauma patients) typically admitted. This afternoon no new patients have arrived, so I'm taking this time to catch up on blogging!

Volunteering at the hospital continues to be a learning experience about healthcare in developing countries. Each day I'm here I learn something new! For example, today I asked if calling an ambulance was expensive and was told the patient only pays 2000 riels/kilometer ($0.50/kilo)! Sometimes the ride ends up being free because Cambodians don't carry ID's with them, so it's harder to track them down to pay after they're admitted. The hospital continues to be a place that drives me to pray continually - for the paients, their families, the staff, and my own heart as it breaks again and again when I see patient conditions and the hospital environment. I don't always understand everything about each patient's situation because of the language difference, but the signs of discomfort and anxiety need no words of explanation. Yet I am comforted that The Lord knows their language and their every need; He knows their situation - where they've been and will they will go after their hospital visit. I'm comforted by His sovereignty, and I pray He becomes their comfort, too. 

This week at Love Cambodia Center I continued my talk from a couple weeks ago about self-care, infections, and puberty. The students made paper chains representing a simplified version of the chain of infection and are also making a list of ways they've changed as they've gotten older and ways they want to change as they continue to grow up. One of my favorite parts of the day is before and after English classes, when the students are at the Center playing and talking and just hanging out. I enjoy sitting and talking with them, learning Khmer, or playing games with them!

On Sunday it was raining when Sunday school started, and no translator was available, so we watched a film in Khmer about Jesus' life (til it froze up - and then I just told the rest of the story). I'm thankful for the children who came even though it was raining, and for the youth who came to help me! And of course I'm thankful for the opportunity to share the Gospel with those little ones!

As the Fourth of July has approached, I've been thinking about freedom, not so much physically or politically since I'm not in the U.S. right now, but spiritually. As I've made my way through reading Philippians this week, one thing that stood out to me is Paul's emphasis on rejoicing. He tells the Philippian church again and again and again to rejoice. Some days it's just plain hard to rejoice. Some days I don't feel like rejoicing or feel that I am even capable of rejoicing. But Paul doesn't just say "rejoice;" he says "rejoice in the Lord." As the Lord has been teaching me over the past year, knowing Him and His love for us is in itself worth celebrating. Always. Regardless the circumstances. As Christians, we have the freedom to be "content in any and every circumstance" (Phil 4:12) and to rejoice always, for we know God, and we know He loves us. Whoa. We know God, and He loves us. This 4th of July as I celebrate our wonderful country's freedom, I'm also celebrating the freedom Christ gives to find joy in any and every circumstance! That's something worth celebrating every day.

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What Makes Me Feel Alive

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4 (ESV)

A few years ago someone explained to me that it was essential to notice that the "delight yourself in the Lord" part of the verse came first. She explained that this verse did not mean that because I was a Christian, all things I hoped for would come true. It meant that when I delighted in God, He would plant desires in my heart to match His - desires for that which is good and honoring to Him - and as my desires became aligned with the heart of God, they would be fulfilled. This is true. But in the past few weeks, I have been learning something more about the truth in this verse.


Three years ago I came to Cambodia for the first time. I came to love the country and felt the Lord calling me to further missions here. Two years ago I returned and prayed about pursuing missions in Cambodia with a longer-term goal in mind. Last year I came again to Cambodia, and when I came back to the States, I had a difficult time with re-entry to America. I prayed God would break my heart for America because at the time, my very own country was the one that was hardest for me to love. Little did I know how He would answer that prayer.

During the past school year I worked part time at Bonham Middle School, where I helped with an after-school program. It didn't take long to get to know the students through tutoring, soccer, crafts, and other activities, and work soon became a ministry opportunity as the students opened up about issues with friends, rough situations at home, and all the hard parts of life. When the last day of work came, I found myself surprisingly upset that I had to leave. As I thought about how much I loved these students, I realized that for the first time in years, I could see myself working with students like these for the rest of my life...in the United States. This was pretty earth-shattering, considering I'd made so many decisions (including my major) based on the belief I would live in Cambodia long-term. In the past three years, I had unwittingly placed much of my identity in this country and a desire for ministry here. I even told someone this semester, "When I'm in Cambodia, I feel alive!" Yet less than a week before I was to leave for Cambodia for the summer, I realized God had broken my heart for America.

Back to Psalm 37:4...I'd thought this verse meant that when we delighted in God, He would give us His dreams and desires for our life, which He would then fulfill. For three years, God had cultivated this passion for Cambodia in my heart - He placed a desire and dream in my heart - and He had provided opportunities to fulfill that desire and dream. But here I was, continuing to follow what I thought God had called me to and the dream that He'd placed in me...and that dream had changed. All of a sudden my desire to come to Cambodia wasn't so strong anymore, and I wanted to stay and finish the school year at Bonham. The very culture that was most difficult for me to come back to last year was now the most difficult for me to leave. How does that work?

As I've thought on this verse during my time here in Cambodia, I've come to understand that when we delight ourselves in the Lord, He doesn't simply give us His desires for our life; He becomes our utmost desire. The greatest desire is not a dream or ministry or life plan or even desire to tell others about Him. Not a desire to live in another country. Not that these dreams are bad, and I still believe God puts those in our hearts, too, though sometimes He changes and shapes them over time as we mature. But our foremost desire is to be for Him, to know Him and love Him and be more intimate with Him. The one desire that never changes as we grow in our faith is our desire for Him.


Living in Cambodia is not what makes me feel alive! "For to live is Christ..." (Phil 1:21). When I delight in the Lord, living is Christ. When I delight in the Lord, my utmost desire is for Him, not for Cambodia or the United States or for a country or people group or person. And no matter where I am, He gives me the desire of my heart, because the greatest desire He places in my heart is to know Him.

 

Will I live in the United States for the rest of my life? Will I live in Cambodia? Will I live in another country? I don't know. What I do know is as I seek Christ and delight in Him, He faithfully grants me the desire of my heart; He faithfully grants me the privilege of knowing Him more.

For that, I praise Him.

 

[As a side note, though it was difficult to leave the students at Bonham, I entrusted each of them to the Lord and know He is providing for them. I am so glad and grateful to be in Cambodia this summer, and I am enjoying my time here!!]

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But I Am With You

Here in Cambodia, the pace of life is much slower than in the US. I enjoy the free time because it gives me time to research things I saw at the hospital and spend time in the Word. This week I began reading Jeremiah, and though I have only studied the first part of chapter 1 (Jeremiah's call to be a prophet) so far, God is teaching me much through it! Here's a bit of what I'm learning.

First, the passage (Jeremiah 1:4-8): "Now the word of the Lord came to me, saying, 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.' Then I said, 'Ah, Lord God! Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth.' But the Lord said to me, 'Do not say, "I am only a youth"; for to all to whom I send you, you shall go, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you, declares the Lord.'"

Something that was reiterated to me in these verses is that we are all unworthy when God calls us. Like Jeremiah, when God calls me to do something, my first response is sometimes to point out my inabilities and weaknesses. Yet the Lord responds, "Do not be afraid, for I am with you to deliver you" (vs 8). It seems that every time God calls someone who points out his/her inadequacies, God's response is "But I am with you." He said this to Moses, Gideon, Joshua, Paul, and more (Ex 3:12, Judges 6:16, Josh 1:9, Acts 18:10)! Jesus claims this truth, too, before crucifixion. He tells His disciples they will all desert him, but He adds, "Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me" (John 16:32).

God didn't become angry with those He called for making excuses, and He didn't tell them their claims of being too weak, young, or unable to speak well weren't true. He responded the way He did because He's the One who gives words to say and who delivers and does miracles. God's power is perfected in weakness (2 Cor 12:9-10), but how is it perfected? Through His presence in our lives. He displays His ability in the midst of our inability so that some things can only be explained through His presence.

A friend of mine told me that dying to self is all about stopping saying, "I got this" and saying instead, "God, You got this." I am finding this change in attitude is more than relinquishing control and pride; when I replace the instinctive "I got this" with "God, You got this," I am telling God I trust Him and am willing to walk wherever He leads, even if that path is scary or uncomfortable or undesirable. By saying, "God, you got this," the focus is on Christ - not on myself or on the task He gives. All excuses of why I am unworthy are eliminated, for He is with me. And when my eyes are fixed on Jesus - with the motivation of not just seeing where He leads but of knowing Him - I come to fear Him. The more I know God, the more I fear Him. And the more I fear Him, the less I fear other things. For the fear of the Lord leaves no room for fear of anything else. Inadequacies and unworthiness included.

I am not a nurse yet, or an English teacher, or a Sunday school teacher; I do not speak Khmer and am not familiar with the culture here; I am young and inexperienced. I am not qualified. Yet I will boast in my weaknesses and in Christ's power, confident that He will use me, for He is with me. What sweet comfort and joyous news that is!

But the Lord is with us. I hope this truth speaks to you in some way! May the Lord's presence be evident in your life today.

Love from Cambodia,

Allison

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